i know we've got nowhere else to go, i know in time we'll forget us. thank you for coping with my impulsiveness and impatience, this naivety was never good for us.we always end up being intimate, but not emotionally, only physically. that never made our love grow, instead it all withered. but it was fun. funny how when iw as on my way home i had so much to say and now..nothing. goodbye love

as far as lovers go...
our roads are sure to split and this heart will have to break, in months, a year, a day..nothing is stable as change occurs. luck and destiny..all these things will tear us apart. but always know it was real. no matter how hard it was, or no matter how good the bad were, everything we went through was the only reality i gaze at. when i look back at the life i had and saw with you, they will always and forever be.......eternal.

i know change is happening to you, i can tell when people had come by, i can deal with it. i can understand..i changed too, even though it was all making love to the camera..it was the best. i'll lie low and stand still as you walk, run to the light that makes you whole. and will smile with my hand on my heart, the hurt, the love, all the pain.. im used to it. im one of the people meant to be alone. and happy, that the people ive loved have found love. and with that, i shall DRINK LOTS AND LOTS OF BEER, GET A TATTOO, CUT OFF MY HAIR and DELETE YOU FOREVER from every possible way of contact. not only that, i shall curse you till the day i die. lol.

 

sadly, its like living a lie.
i always wake up telling myself its never gonna work, i tell myself my job is good and it'll be over in 9 hours anyway. or tell myself he's there...he'll always be there when i know he'll never be. woke up in tears today. i just felt so alone.

family and friends do help.

but i was used to always having someone love me.. and since ive given up on real life relationships, all ill have is a lie. ive still been hoping my world will end soon, i still want cancer. nothing changed. my pessimism is always there. there are days when im feeling okay. but that's just once in one week. then the next days are like robotic series of events where my mind may be there but not ME. at least there is still something there. inside me, keeping me alive, saving me from myself. from this oblivious neverending loneliness. a tiny glimpse of hope. where he is buried and telling me go on..it's still life, be contented.

contentment? is much harder to find than anything else in the world. its contentment that lets you keep a job, a relationship, sanity....everyday i force myself to believe there still is a reason. altho its not enough for a purposely-driven life but at least it's living.

i have been goin on lifeless, living like im not alive...i guess ppl do need a lil inspiration to feel the rush of life. i dint find it playing the rpg game, it just made days pass by really fast. and i only work coz i have to, bein a worthless home bound bum isnt quite much of a good thing in this country. or in this lifestyle. since everyone around me is working their ass off, i shud too. but work sorta gives me time with my friends too. ive hung out with em lots past days. either that than just being cooped up in my room being broke n shit.
so i can say im contented. sadly, just a lil lifeless.
but there are times when things are okay. i am inlove. digitally..>.>

few people tend to go freakishly nut when theyre either emotionally ignored or just mentally disturbed.and i was looking on to the future, at work we were just talking about couples who never really last, that its nothing but an urban myth, 2 people inlove forever. its like, digging up gold in a dreadful desert and end up dead. its impossible. so there i was at the spur of the moment, came straight out of my keyboard, i told him if sex changes, which is 40% of the reason relationships dont last, he was pissed, i was just saying if in case we do get along and pop out babies and get married, least we do the best things we can, experiment, compromise. i know i cud keep the love alive but its hard for men to, i may sometimes show how boring a life partneri can be or needy and guys dont like either. its pretty hard to comprehend what it is they really want in a relationship. but we gotta have control. and he curently just spurted out an answer i never expected or even had in mind. he said wud i prefer old men fucking my brains out, all he wanted was to make love.meh cmon, id even wanna rough him up and rape him when/ if we do/will soon, long distance relationship have long distance craviings and i cannot just be naive with him when we hook up. just that. that is if we ever do. its blurry now, but either way..hes the first guy i ever enjoyed talking to through the net and first virtual boyfriend which was new, but it made me realize its far more amazing than having a real life relationship where nothing goes anywhere. call center affairs are a big NO NO in my world. its all just work and zomg speaking about work i wanted to throw away my celphone so people wud never bother me. i have been quite a pro in treating that guy with respect when i gave him signs he and me is a dream. he can just dream in his twisted mind. and he's holdingback no text messages anymore. made me a little proud of myself. but when it comes to the person i so fucking love i am an immature childish nutcase who omg ud definitely want to kill. now he hates me,i told him in a way i know we wont work in the future.but that's just reverse psychology, id die and never love again if we fall apart and id love him forever if we live in an ever after ending. i just really had to be hormonally imbalanced, beer distracted and immature when eerie silence happen on our chats. i just didnt want him to be bored and then i make it worse.he might not wanna tlak to me anymroe. bah. i gotta clear up my head watch a movie or something. and not talk to him in days. yeah like i can go on without constantly bugging him.hes just too adorable and i wanna hold him but its like all i can do is crave. mahal ko siya..7months and counting.